It Started With a Pedicure

What's with the house?

Who knows what this will mean to anyone but me - I share it because it feels important to say that awakening happens.  And, that it will unfold in as many ways as there are people. I believe that Awakening is something we'll all experience - and, it won't always involve inner fireworks and trippy trips. Awakening is the process of Remembering - we're all here to Remember who we truly Are.  This is one small tale about my Awakening.  This is part of the story of my Remembering.


Years ago I met a woman who was a life coach/mentor of sorts, long before it became all the rage.  My experience of Dorothy Divack - and the story I'm about to tell - covers a couple of decades and is a little convoluted, but maybe stick with me.

This isn't really about Dorothy so much as it is about my own lengthy spiritual awakening.  (You might say that I'm a little slow on the uptake.) Some of the dates and details are a little fuzzy but, ultimately, it's a tale of mysterious beginnings where exactitude isn't really necessary.  Here goes...

For Christmas in 1992, I purchased a gift certificate for my mother from the spa at the Claremont Hotel in the Oakland hills and I prepaid for a pedicure for myself while I was at it.  I don't particularly care to have my feet touched, so things were already a little weird.  Several months went by without either of us making the move to use these certificates - they were set to expire so I made appointments for both of us and we met there one early afternoon in, let's say, late October, 1993. (Both of us grew up in Berkeley, but rarely went to the East Bay, so the location for the start of this tale is strange in and of itself. Truthfully, we don't really even like to hang out with each other, so there's that.)

As I sat in the fancy pedicure chair, I chatted it up with the technician who, as I recall to this very day, just had a winning way about her.  I mean, there she was, working on my nasty hoofs, and she just couldn't have been more delightful.  Glowing, articulate, sincere, authentic.  Finally, I had to ask, "So, what's your deal?"

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"I mean, are you taking something?  How is it that you seem so....so......I don't know...happy and fulfilled?"

"Oh," she said, "I've been doing some work with this woman over in San Francisco and she's really helping me get clear on what I want for my life."

"Oh...huh."  Crickets.

I sat there and wondered what that even meant.  Because, while there was nothing really wrong with my life, and I was having a lot of fun being a single girl in the Big City, I hadn't really given my life any conscious thought.  It was all party, all the time, and that was good enough for me.  Sort of.

The rest of the appointment was uneventful except that Gorgeous Girl gave me the business card of her coach/mentor.  I pocketed it and it floated around with my piles of paperwork for several months, intermittently reminding me of that nail technician and her healthy, beautiful vibe.  Finally, after another hard night of partying, I desperately acted on the impulse to call this Dorothy Divack person and find out how I could get me some of whatever she was offering.

So, I dialed Dorothy's number one evening and she picked up after two rings.  I introduced myself and told her that I wasn't sure what I wanted or why I was calling, but I knew that something had to change.  And, she told me - I'll never forget this - that she NEVER answers her business phone, but that she was compelled to pick up the phone that evening and that she was sure there was something we could do together that would put me on my"path," whatever that meant.

(Now, that might sound like something someone says in order to make you feel special enough to sign up for whatever they're selling, but in my many years of knowing Dorothy and on the many occasions I would call her, she never did answer her phone, always letting it go to voicemail instead.  Others with whom she worked told me the same thing - she NEVER answered her phone.)

The beauty that is Dorothy

Dorothy invited me to join an upcoming workshop she was facilitating which would involve the weekends - Friday evenings, all day Saturdays and Sundays - in Walnut Creek, and Tuesday evenings in the City, for six weeks.  Not only would this drastically cut into my busy party schedule, but I would have to take public transportation there and back, AND I couldn't afford it - I spent all of my money on eating/drinking/traveling and didn't have a dime saved.  It wasn't looking good.

So, I did what anyone might do - I asked my mother to loan me the money which, frankly, went over like a fart in church.  She declined, and not very nicely.  I called Dorothy in tears to tell her that I couldn't get the money together for the workshop and she offered to allow me to pay in installments, which was also something she NEVER did.  (She taught me an early lesson about the energetic difference between responsibility and obligation - I never missed a payment and made each one with deep gratitude.)

So, I attended that workshop, my first such experience of that kind.  If my memory serves, there were 5 female and 2 male participants - other than that, there's not much more I could tell you about it except that it was my first exposure to "visualization"; at one point, we were asked to close our eyes and visualize whatever it was we wanted for ourselves in the future - pretty far out in the future, say, twenty years.  We were to bring as much imagination to it as we could; it should be as specific as possible, with as many details as we could summon.

Well, I sat there....and, sat there....and sat there some more.  I'd never been asked about my dreams and visions for myself - didn't know I could even do that.  But, as I sat there, wondering WTF I was supposed to be "seeing," I kept getting a vision of a house - a small house, with fresh white walls and an open floor plan - I could see the utility room off the kitchen and the way the living room was separated from the kitchen by one wall.  I kept trying to see something else because my vision seemed totally lame, but it just wouldn't go away. And, along with the vision came an unfamiliar feeling that I couldn't quite describe to the group when we shared afterwards. Everyone else had these GREAT, BIG, DETAILED visions for themselves and I was all, "I saw a house."  I recall thinking how very average I must be.

During those 6 weeks, I traveled to New York and met my future ex-husband; I moved there six months later.  (Dorothy officiated our wedding ceremony.)  Over time, I discovered that much of that workshop was founded on the principles of A Course in Miracles which resonated for me in a way that nothing else ever had; I knew that forgiveness, acceptance and unconditional love was a thing, but couldn't see how I could ever embody any of those qualities and I proved that to myself time and time again over the years.  They were lovely concepts, but only available to certain lucky people like the Dalai Lama, Jesus and Dorothy. (And, maybe that nail tech.)

My ex and I bought a small house when we lived in Durham, NC.  Our marriage was difficult and we eventually divorced, sold that house and I moved back to San Francisco and got lost in a new relationship which had its own challenges. (That's putting it mildly.)  I found an escape from everything that wasn't working in my life; my local neighborhood bar became my living room and I spent hours there, drinking and doing drugs.  It didn't get ugly - I continued to work and to pay my bills, but something was missing.  I didn't know it then but I felt....empty.  I was trying to fill a giant hole in my heart that I didn't even know was there.  I knew something had to change.   I would pray, usually when I was really hungover and wanting so very badly to live my life differently. "But...but...how?"   I couldn't see a way out of my circumstances.

I can say this about myself, though - in spite of my dubious choices, I maintained a positive attitude and just kept moving forward, certain that something would eventually change.  I was right - in 2009, I met a man who offered me unconditional love.  He saw me for who I was and didn't judge me for my behavior.  This wonderful man put me through nutrition school which, while I didn't go on to become a health coach, it propelled me to seek deeper meaning and higher purpose in my life.  We married in 2011, moved to Seattle in 2012 and in May of 2014, we moved back to the home I'd had in the Napa Valley for several years.  A double-wide mobile home, it was nothing to look at but it was in a great location, so we decided to renovate and make it more livable.  (Okay, it was fugly.)

Renovation began in November of 2014 - we moved into temporary housing and had our place gutted.  My husband became terribly ill in late December and nearly died - it was just a really intense time.  I'd started working one-on-one with an intuitive in July of that year and she helped me to stay grounded in my experience, supporting me to connect to whatever Divinity wanted for me during that time.  What could have been a really horrible experience became one which felt like a blossoming of sorts.  Between she and our contractor, who was beyond good, I was so very blessed.

We moved back into our home in mid-January of 2016, but it wasn't until July that our contractor finished some small projects, finally completing the renovation.  As he cleaned up and left the house, I realized that, just that same day, I would be having my final session with my loving and supportive intuitive coach/mentor/friend/guide, Michelle Sinnette, after a year of having worked together.  It was as if, while the house was being remodeled, so was I.  In my work with Michelle, I had come a long way in my quest to become a loving presence on this planet, which is something I'd thought was out of my reach.  I learned that each of us has this potential - that life is nothing but potential - and that THIS loving presence is actually the reason I came here, so there is no way I can fail. A sense of peace and freedom came over me and it felt (very) vaguely familiar.

I sat there, musing on the beauty of this synchronicity, and then I walked around the house, admiring my decorative choices and reveling in...something ....unsure of what I was feeling and why.  And, then the hairs on my neck stood up and I got chills all over my body. (I have them now while typing this.) I stood in the living room and realized that THIS WAS THE HOUSE from my visioning exercise over twenty years ago, down to the utility room, the wall in the kitchen, the color of the counter tops, the layout of the rooms - everything, including that feeling I couldn't describe at the time, Peace and Freedom.  In my vision, I had not only seen the house but the potential of who I would become IN this house.  It still freaks me out a little.

I've lost touch with Dorothy over the years - she moved back to Brooklyn and isn't easily reached.  But, her impact on my life is beyond our conscious connection - beyond the physical plane.  My Soul guided me to that spa, with that happy girl, so that I could have the experience of knowing that there was another way of Being.  Everything that's happened since was perfect, and in Divine Right Order!  This is all to say that this experience has allowed me to know we are being supported by a benevolent force - God - and that, while it's not always quick or obvious, one day we will ALL have an experience of Knowing.

May you be blessed!

PS - Here's a blog post I wrote about the renovation, which has been viewed by almost 16,000!  http://modmobilehome.blogspot.com/

An Open Letter to Bernie Sanders Supporters

 A couple of weeks ago, I saw this in my InstaGram feed:

In the time it took me to look for the entire article elsewhere on the interwebs, it had disappeared.  I'm not sure what that's all about, but the title of the now-missing piece triggered something in me and I knew I had to say something about it.  And, here you have it:

Dear Beautiful Beings,

I don’t know if anyone’s already told you this, but YOU. ARE. AMAZING.  I see you taking action - you’re showing up to rallies by the hundreds of thousands, you’re canvassing, phone banking, sharing information and ideas on social media, having important conversations and so much more.

And, you’re doing all of it in the face of unprecedented (and unbelievably arrogant) pushback and opposition, while witnessing the dismantling of whatever’s left of our democratic electoral process. You’re doing it with excitement, passion, intelligence, humor and mostly good manners.  (Although, from what I observe in IG comments, some of you could use a lesson in online comportment.  Also, grammar.)  Every day, my heart swells with pride and I’m awed by the beauty of this movement, this (r)evolution.

For me, what I’m seeing is about so much more than this election, but rather it’s proof, in real time, of the evolution of the human spirit.  And, it kinda chokes me up.

You see, I’ve spent the last few years immersing myself in the realities of the New Era and, as best I can tell, we ARE living in incredible and rapidly changing times. (Call it the Age of Aquarius, the Fifth Dimension, the Shift of the Ages, The Great Awakening  - whatever, it’s definitely a thing.) You'd think that something as GINORMOUS as the expansion of consciousness would be a slow-moving, hardly-observable process - at least, I thought so - but, not so much.  When I zoom out and look at what’s happening on the global stage, a great deal of what I've read about this time in our human/spirit history is coming to fruition. Right NOW.  (It’s a little freaky.)

There’s nothing I could tell you about the process of planetary and spiritual “ascension” that hasn’t already been told and I’m not here to put my own spin on it.  Many of you are probably already aware of what’s happening energetically, but for those who aren’t, I want to share with you that you’re taking part in something so much more profound than an election; you’re actually following the messages of your awakening hearts and the urging of your Souls to usher in a new way of living on this fantastic planet. (It’s actually not a “new” way - we have lived in peace and harmony in ages past and we’re just now remembering.)  And, that this is why you - we -  are so crazy about this man named Bernie Sanders, who embodies the qualities - the frequencies - of this New World.

 (Are you still with me?)

Lately, I’ve had to remind myself that with quantum changes, matter is the last to transmute - that all the ugliness/hatred/pain/suffering I see are simply the final vestiges of what is already a past reality. It hasn’t been easy and I’ve been disheartened; it’s required a faith in something that the majority of people on the planet can’t even fathom.  I’ve wondered if maybe I wasn’t just a little coo-coo for grasping on to something that sure sounded good but wasn’t really showing me the money, so to speak.  Until now.

For me, YOU are the evidence; you ARE that proof.  Yes, Bernie Sanders has shown, over his lifetime of work, that he is a man of conscience, honor, empathy, compassion, authenticity, integrity and LOVE.  But, YOU are responding to all of that.  You are ALL OF THAT.  You couldn’t help it if you tried - it’s actually built into your DNA. And, by the millions, you are showing me that there is hope and that LOVE will win the day.  

So, no matter the outcome of this election - and we know that those in power will not go skulking quietly into the night, right? - I want you to know that the tide has already turned away from greed, avarice and unchecked power toward cooperation, equality, unity and all the other good stuff we envision. You are the living, breathing embodiment of that Truth!  Collectively, we have already moved into higher frequencies and the jig, as they say, is up.  Know in your hearts that you are taking part in the greatest expansion of consciousness EVER and that the whole Universe is on your side.  There is no chance that the world we dream of won’t be realized.  It’s a done deal. It's too late to turn back. Can you feel that?

I encourage you to turn off your TVs - it’s not important for you to be aware of what's being manufactured.  Get together with people in person and spend your time judiciously on social media, consciously posting positive messages because that “flies-with-honey” thing is real. Don’t try to convince your perceived opponents of anything - they are just souls who are a little bit behind the curve and haven’t quite awakened to the Truth yet, but they will and they’ll remember those who were gracious and kind to them (even while they behaved like douche bags). Don’t even bother with the trolls - they’re paid to take your focus away from your big mission, which is to keep your hearts clear and your frequencies high while you steer the world into the Light. Do something every day that doesn’t involve the election - something that makes you feel really good when you do it.  Get plenty of rest and hydration - Light Workers (that’s you!) need to take care of themselves so that they can continue to shine their beacons for those who are still sleeping.

There’s so much more I could say but all I really, really want you to know is how much I appreciate you and how much YOU ARE LOVED.  You’re doing what you came here to do and you're making a difference in my life.  Every Being in existence, throughout time and space, in every dimension, is praising you and showering you with gratitude.  You are paving the way for those who will one day speak of a time when a group of individuals came together to change the direction of humanity.  And, they’ll probably mention Bernie, too.

With such love and admiration for your service,

Kim

What Gives, God?

At least a dozen times a day I think, "I should write about this (or that)."  This has been going on for a few years now and I don't do it because, well, I don't know what to write about.  I mean, I DO know that I'm writing about my own experience of conscious awakening but where do I start? Now I understand why it was so hard to "solve a problem like Maria" - how DO you catch a wave upon the sand?  This shit moves fast and it evades earthly words, even when they're nicely strung together.

Naturally, when I decided this morning to finally honor my impulse to write, I couldn't come up with anything, so I looked through my image file for inspiration (beyond Michael Scott) and had to chuckle at myself for the quality of the spiritual images I saved shortly after I began to awaken.  So full of promise and hope.  Lots of sacred geometry and pithy platitudes, as evidenced here:

More like constant confusion.

It's almost embarrassing.  I thought I had it knocked, this ascension business.  I didn't know any better so I figured that I would just read my way into enlightenment and all would be well - I could continue skipping through life, without a great deal of pain or anguish.  AHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!  Not so much.

I'd read all about the Dark Night of the Soul and figured I'd somehow gotten a free pass.  I've always been a fairly happy camper - if anything, I didn't feel much at all.  Sort of empty, really.  (It turns out that I've been medicating my wounds for a few decades - more on that later.)  I dug all of the Movement's accoutrements - the pretty crystals, the essential oils, the sage and the Nag Champa.  Meditation was new and exciting; generally, I used the "training wheels" version (guided imagery) because stillness didn't happen after a handful of attempts.  I made new friends and embraced communities which were committed to the upliftment of the Human Spirit. I couldn't figure out what the fuss was all about - personally, I didn't think I had any Shadow parts to speak of.  Smugly, I suggested to a friend who was having a Kundalini awakening, "It doesn't have to be so hard."  Looking back, I guess I knew that I was in line for a spiritual smack down as soon as I said it.  Karma is, in fact, a bitch.

That was a couple of years ago.  Since then, my dear friend unceremoniously dumped me (who could blame her?), as did many of my other friends and acquaintances.  I began working closely with an intuitive who lubricated the wheels of my spiritual process with her unconditionally loving support and guidance for about a year, but even then, I knew I was losing traction.  I could feel myself losing my grip on "reality" and I felt the walls closing in around me.  I continued to say "yes" to my Soul - continued to do whatever work felt right in the moment - but the discomfort increased until I just about lost it a few months ago.

In November, after an 8-day Iboga retreat, where I'd hoped to release my proclivity for wine and marijuana, I spiraled downward into a deep, dark funk.  Not only did I not experience a shamanic journey with the Medicine because I had to use the toilet every 15 minutes for 8 hours during each ceremony, but the diarrhea continued for 6 weeks upon my return home.  Additionally, I had what can only be described as some demonic itching on my upper arms, which came on most strongly at night, as soon as I went to bed.  The itching was accompanied by waves of cruel anxiety - in order to sleep, I had to use ice packs and take Ambien, which left me emotionally jagged.  Also, I discovered a recurrence of some skin cancer.  Good times.

"THIS is the thanks I get for being on Your team?" I cried to God.  "THIS is my reward for trying to do my best?"  Obviously, I had been a fool to believe all the mumbo jumbo clap trap - if there WAS a God, I had been abandoned by Him/Her.  "FUCK YOU, GOD!"  Crying, keening, screaming - you name it.  As soon as my digestion began to improve and the itching abated, I drank to dull the pain of my experience.  I withdrew from everyone and felt....fucked.  Cast adrift. Alone. Stupid. And really, really angry.

I knew this wasn't about my gut's flora imbalance or that I needed amino acid supplementation or even some anti-depressants; I didn't know what to do other than to continue to explore the depths of my darkness and to seek out healing modalities which would at least take the edge off.  And, in spite of my very loud protestations, I intuitively returned to anything having to do with the Love of God. Desperation is a funny thing; it's the ultimate motivator.  I didn't want to trust God, but what choice did I really have?

Which brings me to the present, pretty much. I wish I had a great tale of redemption and success and maybe I should have waited to write until I had something hugely transformative to report, but I suspect that this blog is what might be referred to as a "living document."  For the last few weeks, I've been seeing a therapist who specializes in addiction; working with him has allowed me to see just how much I have used alcohol to sooth my empathic self and to quiet my inner critic.  Reading Gabor Mate's book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, helped me to understand why I feel the way I do and the behaviors that go along with those feelings. Currently, I feel somewhat like that old laptop you take in to be serviced and are told, with a sympathetic look from the technician, "I'm sorry, it can't be fixed."  But, there's a teeny, tiny part of me which knows that's not True.  So, I persevere. I want to trust that I'm going to be okay and that all of this is for some greater purpose, so I allow myself to imagine what Trust feels like because it turns out that I'm only familiar with its opposite.

I'm still deep in it. I don't know that anyone can ever be prepared for their Shadow Work - it's ugly and uncomfortable and humiliating.  ("Why didn't anyone tell me I was such a selfish bitch?")  If spiritual growth could be measured on a scale of one to ten, I think I'd be exaggerating to say that I'm at about a three.  I feel like a complete novice most days, with the sense that I have so many loose ends that will never come together.  I don't think I have unrealistic expectations, either - I'm not asking to ride my Merkaba off into the sunset with the Baby Jesus or anything, but I could sure use some relief from whatever ails me.  I'm willing, I'm eager and I'm not incapable.  What gives, God?


Here's what I know.  Love is the answer to everything.  Period.  And, as a human being, I am wired to send and Receive that Love - I'm actually MADE of the stuff.  In my case, it would seem that my wiring needs work, but the system itself is still operable.  Phew.  Thank the Lord.  So to speak.